Grief & Practice

Hello,

I hope you’re well. 

I feel like whenever I come back to writing a blog, it’s always after a long period. I don’t know where this blog is going to take me. So, please expect it to be a little all over the place. It will probably be an accurate interpretation of how I am currently feeling anyway. Oh, life. 

Anywho, the last time I wrote a blog was nearly a year ago when I was in Brazil. On the 26th of May, it’ll be a year since myself and Gina flew out. For those of you who don’t know, Gina was a close friend of mine and passed away on the 3rd of January this year. Grief. She was only 25. Before Gina passed away, I lost my Aunt Wendy in October. Grief. And before my Aunt Wendy passed away, I lost my Aunt Teresa in August. Grief. 

I always knew people who lost loved ones, but it was never me. I have been to funerals, of course. However, it was never really anyone I was close to or even had a conversation with. So, three funerals back-to-back in a short space of time is not something I would want anyone to experience. And for those that have, I just want to hug you and cry. I guess there isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with grief. You just have to do the things that are best for you. And that is subjective. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. How do you even take advice when dealing with grief? Do you just try different things and hope for the best? Damn. 

My emotions in general are not always super stable. Ha! But since losing loved ones, I find my mental health has become more erratic. I’ll wake up anxious, why? I couldn’t tell you. I’m a sensitive person in general, although I find myself taking things more personally than usual. I’ll be at home or walking and then I’ll suddenly become teary. I’m exhausted when I haven’t done anything. I’ll cuss out men to the point where they become teary. I mean, they usually have it coming, though. I promise, I’m not evil. :P

And then, there is being an artist on top of all of that. Yay! There should be something put in place to help artists when dealing with bereavement. But no, we got to keep on working because we got to survive. Gina passed away the day before I started a script course with NFTS Leeds and Channel 4. Over 6 days, I and my fellow writers were on Zoom from 10 am-5 pm, and then had to write 5 pages per night. I have a TV pilot now. Yasss! I did all of this whilst being broke as hell. I’m currently okay, though. I need to remember to take one day at a time. I don’t want this blog to be too heartbreaking, so let’s move on to something a bit more positive. 

Concerning my practice, I have been appointed Thinker-in-Residence at Theatre in the Mill in Bradford for the next year. Shout out to them for supporting me throughout my professional career, even between three different artistic directors. I will be researching Orisha practice, death, grief, ancestral veneration and magic. Engaging with archives responding to my time in Brazil, exploring African Brazilian religions, Candomblé and Umbanda. With a focus on Osain, the Orisha of the forest, herbs, nature, healing and magic. He’s my head Orisha, and I will be working towards developing a new work called, ‘Baba Osain’. Ayyy!

For those of you who don’t know, I have always been interested in magic. When I was a kid, I got a street magic kit for Christmas. I wanted to try and become a magician. Even though it was for entertainment purposes, I wanted to try and be as magical as possible. Therefore, I thought let’s take it to the next level. So, I bought some books. These were books I probably should’ve kept to myself since friends of mine in high school stole a witchcraft book from me because they thought it was demonic. They wanted me to get a Bible instead. Ah, good times! And yes, I have looked at a particular object and hoped that one day I could move it with my mind. I highly doubt I’m the only one who has done that. Telekinesis is so cool. 

I haven’t always been interested in African Diaspora Religions, as I didn’t know about them. You read it here first, I haven’t always been interested. So, please no one make out as if I go on like I have always been interested, thanks. Also, I don’t own these practices, no one does. Thus, some people should get off their high horse. And I’ll leave it there. 

Once I learnt more about African Diaspora Religions, I became incredibly intrigued. Since these were practices my ancestors were engaging with in secret whilst being enslaved and before colonialism. Plus, the type of magic I was looking at before was white as fuck. Shout out to the cult classic film The Craft! And to Rachel True for representing Black witches! I know that’s right! And there is nothing wrong with magic that comes from Europeans, but spiritual practices that are more African in origin are much more for me. 

I have realised that ancestral veneration has helped me a lot with my grieving. My loved ones may be physically gone, but they are spiritually still with me. And not everyone has that, so it is something that I don’t take for granted. If you are grieving, and you want to talk to a loved one, I’d recommend ancestral veneration. No, it isn’t for everyone but it can help you feel less alone in a time of heartache. 

With this new work, ‘Baba Osain’, I am going to take my time. I have also come to terms with being a solo artist. I think that’s much more up my street. That’s not me saying that I won’t work with anyone, I have no choice because I can’t do everything. A creative process will always be stressful, but the fewer people in the process, the less stress. I look forward to having time to sit with my ideas, research and grief and see where it takes me. 

Let the writing, devising, crying and magic begin!

Ase!

J xxx